A fresh local drama has rolled into town, and it has wheels. A shopping trolley, said to be clad in patent boots and an expression of unforgiving confidence, has allegedly been crowned interim king of the car park behind a discount hardware store.
Sources entirely invented by the universe claim the trolley arrived at dusk, rang its handle once for silence, and immediately established a set of decrees. These supposedly include no reverse parking without a permit, mandatory respect for paving slabs, and a strict ban on "dabbling" near the trolley bay.
Shoppers reportedly accepted the news with the calm resignation usually reserved for weather warnings and unexpected roadworks. One anonymous local, who may have been a teenager pretending to be older, said the trolley "walked in like it paid the rent" despite possessing only four castors and a wobble.
Analysts on the internet have already begun overreading the situation. Some say the patent boots indicate a wider branding strategy, while others believe the trolley is laying the groundwork for a retail dynasty based on loyalty points, free samples, and ceremonial receipt crumpling.
As with all our best rumours, there is no evidence, no confirmation, and no earthly reason to believe any of this. But if a trolley is going to rule anything, a car park outside a hardware shop feels about right.
For now, the alleged monarch remains at large, which in trolley terms means parked near the trolleys, refusing to move and making everyone else do the apologising.