In what we are absolutely not calling proof, a damp little clip has emerged showing a kettle in corduroy standing near the docks with the sort of confidence usually reserved for men who know where the pens are kept.
The object, described by witnesses as “boiling with ambition,” appears to be repeatedly pointing at a timetable and then at the sea, as if it has decided both are somebody else’s problem.
Local onlookers claim the kettle briefly whistled in a way that suggested either courage or a fault in the wiring. It then allegedly accepted a paper hat, which is understood to be the traditional dress code for Vice City ferry administration.
We should stress, again, that this is nonsense, but the clip has already inspired lively debate about whether the city is ready for a captain who can warm water, calm nerves, and ignore unions with equal elegance.
If true, the kettle’s platform would reportedly include punctual departures, stricter biscuit inspections, and a firm stance on anyone trying to board with a dripping umbrella and a “just popping over” attitude.