According to a clip that may or may not exist, a hot dog van wearing court shoes has been spotted outside a shopping arcade, parked at a perfect angle of bureaucratic confidence.
Witnesses in the made-up footage say the vehicle was handing out forms headed ‘MILD PANIC: INITIAL ASSESSMENT’, while a small queue formed for reasons nobody later remembered.
A man in a fluorescent coat, speaking in the tone of someone who has seen too much, allegedly described the van as ‘very organised for something with mustard on the bumper’.
The clip ends with the van switching on its hazard lights in what commentators have bravely interpreted as an opening statement to the public.