Following last week’s deeply scientific-looking whispers, analysts are now united in their belief that a roller skate in a dinner jacket is the next big thing in vice-soaked urban leisure.
Their report, drawn from what appears to be one freeze-frame and several cups of tea, argues that the shiny wheel-based gentleman is perfectly positioned to revolutionise nightlife by arriving before he has even decided where he is going.
The group notes that the skate’s combination of speed, elegance and faint danger gives it a unique edge in a market previously dominated by loud shirts and impractical confidence.
They also suggest the jacket is not merely decorative but a strategic signal to rivals, pedestrians and anyone standing near a curb.
In summary, the experts conclude that if the skate can maintain balance, composure and a respectable hemline, it may well become the city’s first truly premium mode of social transport.