Our analysts, all of whom were assembled from leftover sausage rolls and guesswork, have concluded the parking meter is not merely standing there, but making a statement.
The silk scarf, they insist, is a sign of impending upscale ambition. This is apparently how a city transitions from ‘no standing’ to ‘please mind the velvet rope’.
According to the theory, Vice City’s fashion quarter will soon be dominated by objects with self-esteem: mannequins with mortgages, mannequins with opinions, and at least one bin with a tasteful fringe.
This, they argue, will create a three-stage economy: parking, posing, and pretending not to notice the valet.
We should stress again that the source material exists only in the nation’s collective imagination. But if a parking meter turns up on a catwalk, you heard it here first — or at least you would have, if any of this had happened.