A fictional analysis desk has looked into reports of an ice cream van that allegedly plays one cheerful tune and then, with no warning at all, a second tune that sounds mildly disappointed.
This was enough for several commentators to announce that the van is ‘doing symbolism’, which in the games media industry is broadly how people say ‘we have run out of normal things to say’.
The theory goes that the vehicle will operate as a roaming meeting point, escape ride, or possibly an audio clue for something involving shaved ice, fake moustaches, or both.
One expert, speaking with the confidence of a man standing near a printer, suggested the van’s route may be tied to ‘dynamic street economy systems’, a phrase which means nothing and therefore sounds believable.
The article concludes, as all such articles must, that a harmless roadside novelty is probably the gateway to six missions, two collectibles, and one extremely stern driver who refuses to turn the volume down.